


maybe i shouldn't ask for his name

by DeadPrince



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America : The Winter Soldier
Genre: Other, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-28
Updated: 2014-04-28
Packaged: 2018-01-21 00:07:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1530752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeadPrince/pseuds/DeadPrince
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>it follows the man; the man thinks he is following it</p>
            </blockquote>





	maybe i shouldn't ask for his name

**Author's Note:**

> warning for canon-typical fucked up shit : memory loss, deshumanization, various mental health issues, as well as suicidal/self-harm ideation  
> beta'd by tumblr user upyrs, as usual i hate/love you for enabling me

 

I.  
the winter soldier watches the newsreels patiently, implacably, as he would a target. the flashes are painful, they are distracting, and it always misses a part of the video blinded by: a thin warm hand on his face, perfectly cooked meat and potatoes under his teeth, shared laughter echoing in the middle of a camp, perfume and soft woman flesh next to him  
but the winter soldier is nothing but merciless: it watches over and over and over until there is nothing left to learn

it follows the man; the man thinks he is following it  
a thousand times a cloud falls: MISSION MISSION MUST KILL the right arm drawing the gun, then the wave of panic, the left arm taking the gun from the right arm, shouldn’t be possible the left arm is weak less strong, then the relief and foreign PROTECT LOVE PROTECT, poison in the system

it lets itself be discovered, finally

steve rogers calls it bucky and somewhere its bones, its human bones answer

 

II.

inside an shared apartment, as simple as that, because in the explosion of old organizations no one cares about the pawn, as good as it was, it is supposed to become bucky barnes again, shake off the soldier: supposed to do that for steve rogers

it has been given an old blade, sitting on a corner of the porcelain sink, a blade for mundane gestures: not for killing, no, not for slitting one’s throat because one FAILED its last and most important mission  
it shaves its face, it hasn’t done it for so long, because it was usually foreign hands on its face, while it slumped like a ragdoll, let them  
it looks at its hair, too long for the man in the pictures, his hand around steve’s shoulders  
it makes a choice because it can do this now, no matter if it is spite that makes it put the blade down

in the dark of the room, his chest is heaving calmly. he is not always like that, tossing and turning for hours before sleep  
but he said “i am sleeping much better now that you are here,” when it tried to kill him, when it remembers his face and its arm hitting and hitting and hitting  
he clenches his fist, unclenches it. on the bed, their bodies parallel lines, it listens to him, until it closes its eyes.

sometimes all it wants is an order, anything  
there is no one left, so it says: get up, eat three meals a day (or it would forget, because only one meal was necessary for the soldier), go to sleep (not because it must always be alert for the mission: because this is what people do)

sometimes it fails to do these things, these things that are hard not like the easy dismantling of a gun, the bullet perfectly placed between two eyes

what it wants is to be punished; what it gets is steve saying “it’s okay, bucky”

in time, steve understands, in time, he gets what it needs. he gives the orders in its place, everyday, and it follows them: it finds peace, for a while 

 

III.

it is not bucky barnes, it can’t be, it is not bucky barnes, steve (he always responds better when it says that because he believes so hard things will be fixed, just because of it knowing his name)  
it remembers, but it does not mean anything, for it is just an hybrid, the memories of bucky barnes but also the memories of the soldier

it is not bucky barnes because bucky barnes was a man and a good man, and it lost so many things that were his, but now it is stronger

and this is better because now it understands the mission, the one he had so long ago but lost for so many years

for the mission is: you will fight for the boy standing up after having been beaten up so many times, you will protect, at all costs

it will complete the mission 

and it will win

 


End file.
